The Return of the Naive - III (for Part I and Part II)

Here I'm, finally back in GOC capital Trivandrum, hopefully for good, after sixteen years of living abroad, and a hectic trip that included a week in Tokyo. Singapore Air, whose stock was down with me personally, moved up a notch this time. Their service was better and I flew the A-380 super jumbo for the first time. While boarding, I saw the signboard that said 'Suites' and pitied the poor people flying in such confined spaces. I, for one, was not going to give up the comfort and fun in the big open hall with all the other people. The S'pore - GOC capital leg on Silk Air seemed over in a flash after all the traveling we had done. The crew was as usual polite, nice and friendly and reminded you of what Singapore Air had been a decade ago. Then you land in GOC capital.

You know you're in GOC capital when you look out of the airplane window and see the skeleton of the aerobridge rotting there as usual, and also see the truck with the ladder and the rickety buses moving toward the plane. (The aerobridge has been described as "soon-to-be-operational" from time immemorial.)

You know you're in GOC capital when the driver of the rickety airport bus floors the accelerator while swinging across the tarmac, for the 100-metre trip to the gate, as if he's on the Monaco F1 circuit. And you, thrown across the length of the bus, are trying desperately to save your infant's head from hitting some of the sharp metal objects installed in various strategic locations inside the bus for the pleasure of the arriving passengers.

You know you're in GOC capital when you come out of the airport and hit a sea of mankind clinging on to a steel fence desperately seeking that familiar face to walk out of that gate.

You know you're in GOC when you are in the car trying to reach home after an arduous flight but encounter the GOC (Indian) rules of driving
- Any moving object will move across to block the progress of a vehicle (especially your vehicle) coming from behind.
- If there are two lanes going in one direction, a moving object will move down the white line separating the lanes, thereby blocking two lanes in one shot.
- If it's a simple two-way street, a moving object will move down the center to block vehicles trying to pass while forcing oncoming vehicles to swerve to avoid a head-on collision.
- If the moving object is a transport bus, the existence of a signal means 'forge straight ahead at full speed,' regardless of the colour, and especially if it is red.
- If you want to turn right, you do the most logical thing - move to the extreme left and raise your speed to overtake the vehicles on the right, and then in a deft move cut across to the right at the last moment to block all those vehicles. Do the converse for turning left.

You know you're in GOC capital when even small chores like getting someone to fix a toilet flush become big never-ending projects.

You know you're in GOC capital when you go to get a cooking gas connection, you're forced to buy a gas stove by the gas company. And you wonder why? You say no and go back, but your wife says she was born and has been living in a country where gas has been piped for the past half century (well, that's my guess) and doesn't fancy cooking using firewood or cow dung at this stage of her life. So, you swallow your pride and go back to the Oil Giant known as Bharat Gas and buy their stupid stove and get a gas cylinder.

Let's take a detour and learn more about Bharat Gas. It has a turnover of 27 billion dollars and is referred to as a "MNC in a PSU garb," the company's website says, though nobody knows who is doing this referring thing. And what exactly does that mean? Is it a "blood sucking, profit at all costs, damn the environment and the public" MNC in a "public-sucks" public sector douche bag garb? What more could we ask for? An MNC which treats you like a PSU! A double whammy - an MNC usually treats you well while screwing you, whereas a PSU treats you like dog poop right from the beginning while telling you that they're screwing you and you're helpless. Lucky us.

The website also informs us that it has a "throughput of 24 million tonnes." Of what? My guess is 24 million tonnes of bull excrement. Which is what they are probably giving us as cooking gas - the tried and tested, centuries old fuel - cow dung.

Well, I could go on forever, but we still have many more months to look forward to, and many more rants, from the look of it.