The Revenge of the Surd

In my last brant I had mentioned the arrival of our PM to Trivandrum and how some of the roads were patched up a bit. Well, the Sardar's visit generated lots of interest, for all the wrong reasons. As usual, most people thought the security was going to be very tight, but many didn't consider the Kerala police. Kerala police, as you know, is infested with mallus and we mallus, as a people, have great disdain for things like security, authority, rehearsals etc.

Think of it. The PM is coming to town. You need a driver to lead the convoy. Who would you turn to in such a situation? A no-brainer as far as Kerala police is concerned. "Dai, Sardarji needs a pilot. Get someone from a far off village with no clue about the city roads. Let's have some fun with him".

They did seven dry runs. My guess is that each time they did the rehearsal they used a different driver, so that seven guys could claim extra money from the government. Somebody should check into that.

The PM came. The motorcade* proceeded to the city. The pilot driver lost his way. He almost went into the world-famous "underpass", which would have been more fun** as people would have come up with jokes like "What do you call a sardar who got stuck in an underpass?" "Sikh under Singh." Somehow the convoy made it to the governor's place, but the PM had thought up his revenge. "All these ch*tia mallus", he thought, "so smug and presumptuous. I'll have some fun with them".

Next day, in a speech he told the mallus, "I hope the next century will be Kerala's century." Everyone applauded. Such a nice guy and we were trying to take him for a ride, just like any other first-time visitor getting down at Thampanoor railway station, taking an auto rickshaw and getting the royal Trivandrum tour which often includes, among other sights, seven Secretariat buildings, five Padmanabha Swamy temples and four Kanakakunnu palaces (all somehow looking the same!) before reaching his or her destination.

I somehow felt something was amiss. Then it hit me... The next century. That is the keyword. The last time I counted it was still about 94 years away. In effect, the Sardar was telling the mallus, "carry on with your smug superiority and contempt and we in the north will carry on ignoring you. Rot for another 94 years and then who cares, ha, ha. You guys will be dead, anyway. And you probably think that new airport is going to be built! Ha, ha, dream on!" For all the sardar jokes (where the clever mallu - in the mallu versions - has fun at the expense of the sardar), the Sardar seems to have had the last laugh.

Another interesting development, which I almost missed: Recently a minister in MP, Yashodara Raje Scindia, a former royal, has told that she should be addressed as "Shrimant", or highness. The BJP government immediately approved it. Very nice! I love the Scindias. They have it carved up very nice indeed. Some of them are in the Congress and some are in the BJP. So, whoever comes to power, they'll still be in power. My immediate reaction was to address her as Shri****, which rhymes with a sweet dish from the north called Shrikhand. Royal frikkin' democracy.

* I happened to see some of the trial runs of the PM's motorcade as well as the real run with the PM once. There was a good old, white Ambassador car with some huge, funky antennas attached to it, which was part the convoy. I was wondering whether this car held the gadgets to launch a nuke strike on Pakistan. Imagine that! Islamabad being vaporized from an Amby! Now I know why the Pakistanis (and the U.S.) don't take our nuke capacity seriously. And I'd really like to know how Musharraf carries his nuke kit around? Not in an Ambassador, I presume.

** The underpass, a technological marvel built many moons ago, is a stand-alone heritage site, unapproachable and un-underpassable. The annual traffic through it consists of approximately two car molecules, one of which usually contains a sardar, who is the PM. If you manage to reach the other side of the underpass (no one knows of anybody who succeeded in doing that) it is believed that there is a humongous, mountainous dirt track that would make the toughest terrains in the Dakar rally look like autobahns.