Walking down memory lane...

It's been two months since I landed in Trivandrum and I thought it's about time I took a walk down memory lane. Then it dawned on me that it's a dangerous idea. Walking anywhere, even hypothetically, is a dangerous act in this place. The ideal option is for you to have a Humvee, or at the very least a Shakthiman. Since these are beyond my reach, I opted for a car (driving is another challenge) to drive around the place.

Many things have changed, not necessarily for the better. The roads are being widened in many parts of the city changing the landscape drastically. I found that a row of classrooms in my school have fallen victim to this road widening. The widened roads look the same. A road with people, cars, rickshaws, occasional animals, potholes (already), lethargic policemen, piled up filth etc, but a bit wider. A typical Indian road scene. The difference is that at some places the authorities have tried to build footpaths. Some of these footpaths are so narrow it'd be difficult for even two anorexic, waif-like supermodels to pass each other without getting into a catfight. To be fair to the authorities, it must be mentioned that the people won't walk on the footpaths even if it's a mile wide. Most people prefer walking on the motorway itself and many wonder why so much space is left on the sides. Anyway, the disdain for the pedestrians could be seen from the lack of pedestrian crossings over long stretches of the main street.

Many months ago, the Minister in charge of public works was given a ring (by another Minister, I think) for completing an underpass in time, which was widely covered by the media. I was eager to see this technological marvel. Well, it's just a two-lane underpass you might come across in any other part of India. Not better. Not worse. But definitely not one you'd see in a developed country. While the underpass has been there for many moons now, the approach road looks like it is still many moons away. So, what was all that self-congratulatory brouhaha about? Travel down the memory lane got stuck in an underpass.

Current affairs. A bunch of MPs were caught on TV accepting bribes for asking questions in the parliament. Well, I don't know what the big hue and cry is all about. This is standard practice in countries like the U.S., where it's called lobbying. In fact, I have a few questions I'd like the MPs to raise in our venerable parliament, for which I'm willing to pay. These are questions I have mentioned before in other articles. The questions and the rates I offer are as follows:
1. Why is the parliament venerable? Rs. 5,000
2. Is the constitution sacred? Rs. 2,500
Supplementary: If so, why? Rs. 2,000
3. Is it OK if I kick the butt of the person throwing garbage in my street? Rs. 10,000
Supplementary: Would it be better if I arrange to have that person's butt kicked? Rs. 10,000
The last q and its supplementary are of utmost importance to me, especially with the government thinking of implementing a draconian new goonda act.

The residents pay a woman (part of the govt's kudumbasree programme) to collect the garbage from each household and the system seems to be working well so far. This person, probably from another area, surreptitiously comes and throws his/her garbage in our street. And by the look of the contents, he or she seems to be affluent enough to afford the 30 Rs/month to get the garbage collected. I'm thinking of staking this person out and if possible take the action mentioned in the third question.

Only hassle is the goonda act and that is why I have the supplementary in there. This act gives police the power to arrest goondas and put them in jail for 6 months etc. This, we know, is an act that will be misused. Some small fries will be arrested and the real goondas will be freely roaming the streets as usual.

I feel the government should instead have opted for American help in this issue. This is one area where we can outsource work to America. The goondas could be handed over to America so that they can be taken to one of the gulags or torture cells the CIA operates in East European and other countries. The Goonda Perumaral Outsourcing, or GPO should offset any complaints about the BPO industry in America. We may have to pay the equivalent of a software engineer's pay (Indian pay) to America, and I think that's a reasonable bargain.

The only hitch I foresee is the war on terror. These goondas will have to be linked to the war on terror somehow. So, if you catch a goonda named "Kaduva Biju" (Fact, (or pet theory): every sixth mallu in the planet is a Biju - look around. See how many Bijus you know, i.e. if you're not a Biju yourself), you rename him "Kaduva Biju Khan" and make him part of the terrorist network. This would make things easier for Bush and Condi when justifying the gulags. For us, this would mean safer streets, less number of cells with cell-phone-toting goondas etc.

P.S. A spate of armed robberies occured over the last few days in Trivandrum and a few even in my neighbourhood. The police immediately blamed immigrant Tamil labourers (to cover their ineptitude). This is similar to the Japanese blaming Chinese for all the crimes in Japan.

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