Horny Elephants, Flame Figures...

It'll be four years this December since I left my techie life, but there are times when I'm reminded of some aspects of my previous job as a network guy. Here's something that has been in the news in GOC recently that attracted my attention - the "devaprasnam" at Guruvayur temple. From what I gathered, this is a ritual to get God's, in this case Vishnu's (Krishna), opinion about serious stuff concerning him such as his sartorial taste. In order to get those opinions, it's necessary to have some form of communication link. And, because of my experience as a techie I immediately began thinking of scenarios like the following:

A bunch of guys get together and establish a communication link based on some fixed parameters. Just like setting the baud rate, parity and other stuff in modems, here it could be the amount of coconuts used or the colour of the langoti (loincloth). Once the initial parameters are set, some enquiries are sent out.

Guys in langoti: SY, SY, SY, ENQ, ENQ, ENQ, SY, SY, SY, ENQ, ENQ, ENQ.
God: SY, SY, SY, NAK, NAK, NAK

God naks (does not acknowledge) the guys, probably because the morons have tied the langoti in reverse, though god only knows how that can be done.
Anyway, guys get together and check the parameters and realize the langoti error, which is duly corrected, and the process starts again.

Guys in langoti: SY, SY, SY, ENQ, ENQ, ENQ, SY, SY, SY, ENQ, ENQ, ENQ.
God: SY, SY, SY, ACK, ACK, ACK

Acknowledgement from god! Guys in langoti congratulate each other for establishing the link and proceed to the next step of asking questions of import to god. You would expect those questions to be about global warming, war in Iraq, oil prices or local issues such as chikungunia, Mulla(i)periyar dam or even about mallus being pooped upon by Arabs. Well, you people are so narrow-minded, so self-centred, aren't you? Is that the way to treat a God? Luckily, our guys knew better. One should be polite and discreet during such interactions to avoid stressing God out. So, they exchanged pleasantries and asked some soft questions.

Guys in langoti: "How're you? Are you comfortable here? We apologize for keeping you in such cramped quarters. But, you know how the situation is here in GOC. There isn't much land to go around and on top of it we have to deal with the so-called land mafia who is buying up whatever is left. Perhaps Parasuraman/you (we know that was you playing dress-up!) should have thrown the axe much farther into the sea when he/you reclaimed Kerala for mallus to live. Well, let bygones be bygones. Let's go back to the question: how're you?"
God: Well, for one, I can't accept non-hindus coming in here. And, you guys are not doing the rituals properly. You know I'm big on that. So, DO THE RITUALS PROPERLY!"
Guys in langoti: "OK, OK. Calm down. Anything else?"
God: "And, what's with these women walking around in here wearing churidar and stuff? What happened to the good ol' mulakacha? (Mulakacha is a cloth tied around the breast, or mula, and used to be the traditional dress worn by Malayali women.) Haven't you guys noticed how this dress is driving the elephants crazy? Remember, I'm barely tolerating the sari because it does show some flesh here and there. What next? Are you guys going to let women wearing burqahs in here?"
Guys in langoti: "Sorry about that. We'll deal with it asap. What else?"
So it went on and on and God vented his displeasures about the general handling of the temple etc., and our guys conveyed those to the general public through the media.

He seemed to be in a pretty nasty mood but did you notice how he cut off 5 billion people in one stroke? "No non-hindus!" That was a brilliant move. Less work for him. It reminds me of me. Always looking for excuses to do less work. Imagine if all those Chinese start asking for favours. In Chinese!

I was surprised that he had such keen sartorial sense. Think of it. A churidar, though very colorful, is almost a burqah, as it covers the body completely and if you put that duppatta stuff over your head only your face would be visible and that too barely. We were doing fine with our mulakachas when the sari came along, which kind of covered up the shoulders and upper part of the chest. And then came the churidar. He knows (well, he should, being all-knowing) that the next logical step would be burqah. I'm glad that he drew the line there.

And his comment about the elephants going crazy was certainly very cryptic. My interpretation was that it was somehow related to the changes in women's clothing. But why do elephants bother about fashion? Well, only god knows!

Continuing with the topic of godly messages, I hope y'all saw the picture of the recently dead pope (John Paul II) in flames. When I looked at the photograph, it reminded me of a Mullah peeing by the roadside in Old Delhi while waving down an auto-rickshaw: "Ay, Auto!"

If it really was the pope, what was he trying to convey? "I'm burning!!!" So, what sin did you commit, sir? Or was that the 2nd miracle necessary for his canonization? The first miracle, in case you didn't know, was his not falling sick after kissing the airport tarmac in Delhi long time ago. Remember, those were the days when just thinking of Delhi used to make people sick. By the way, there haven't been any updates on Mother T's sainthood. Did they nail down the second miracle?

With such profound thoughts I was sitting and daydreaming by my window when suddenly I saw a big phallic apparition atop the faraway hills. What was it? Was it Lord Shiva sending me a message? Is he giving me a thumbs up sign - "way to go, son." Or is it just some guy showing me the middle finger - "go to hell." Then I realized it was the central spire of the love hotel on the hill, which had became clearly visible, now that all the leaves had fallen off. It's winter here and we have already had our first snowfall. No mulakachas here for sure, at least for the next six, seven months.