Anniversary, Elections, May Day...

I'm not much of an anniversary guy. Birthdays, weddings, deaths, 50th anniversary of atom bomb, 100th anniversary of 9-11 or tsunami - doesn't matter. On a personal level, I don't care. Even my son, who turned one-year old last month, had a low-key b'day party with only family members, arranged by my wife. We, my wife and I, have never celebrated our wedding anniversary. In addition to my indifference, there is another reason for this. We don't know when to celebrate this.

Whether it should be the day we started living together, the day we had an engagement ceremony in India, the day we had a wedding reception in Tokyo, or the day we actually registered at the ward office. And, I don't know the dates, anyway. A day I would really like to celebrate is the day when I was cleared by the Japanese government as a person of sane mind. This was part of the marriage registration process here in Japan. We had to go to this government office - I think it was the Justice ministry - where there is an interview. This is limited to people from a handful of countries like India and Pakistan. Do you have wives back home? Legitimate q. It could be that I'm a Muslim man with three wives in Afghanistan and am gunning for a fourth. However, the question I liked best was "Are you mad?" Or was it, "Do you have all your marbles?" Perhaps it was, "Do you have your mental faculties intact?" Well, something to that effect in a very polite way as only the Japanese can do. I was in a good mood and answered, "Yes, I think so". What if I had answered in the negative? Is it because they consider people who take the plunge (into married life, not those who take the toilet plunge) to be insane? Quite possible. Anyway, I passed the sanity test with flying colours and eventually got my marriage registered.

Why do governments ask such questions? They ask similar weird questions at American airports. "Did you pack your bag yourself?" "No, I'm so filthy rich I employ three people just to pack my bags. All illegal immigrants from South Asia and that's a secret. In fact, if you're interested I have a better-paying job for you. I'm planning to fire one of the guys. This guy, Javed Omar, keeps running up high telephone bills calling his relatives in South Waziristan. Last night was the final straw. He was on the phone all the time while packing my bag". Stupid questions need intricate, elaborate answers, but don't try this one. You might end up taking a free trip to Gitmo or one of the gulags operated by Uncle Sam.

Election time in Kerala. Time to switch horses. A ritual that's performed every five years. One group gets on the gravy train, enjoys, loots, squabbles, disappoints and gets thrown out. Only to be replaced by the other for the cycle to continue. Are we nuts? Why do we do this? Why do these people fight every five years? Why can't we be like the bonobo monkeys? The bonobos (from the Hindu newspaper. Interesting article. Do a google on it when you have time) are closely related to man and are known for resolving squabbles through sex rather than violence. How is that related to man? Think Bush and Saddam! When men resolve squabbles through sex, it's either rape or necrophilia.

Coming back to the election topic. We should just get rid of the elections and let the two groups alternate every five years on the condition that they'll use the money saved, by not holding the elections, on developmental activities. All the remaining dough could be dealt with in the usual fashion as loot. Some of you might think I am against democracy, which is not true. I have taken part in the democratic process many times, though I was eligible to vote only once. I have been on all-night wall defacing activities known as poll graffiti, and the only time I voted, I was registered as a woman in the voters list. Incidentally, all the guys, those for whom I did the poll graffiti and the person for whom I voted, lost in the elections.

Sad news from the election front. The guys at Technopark in Trivandrum are not keen on exercising their franchise (again, from the Hindu, Apr. 23). This is a very laudable quality but what saddened me was the reason they gave for not voting - "Every minute is precious for IT professionals and we are reluctant to stay away from work even for a day". Pathetic. Guys, get a life! And be mallus. I, along with another mallu friend, once called in sick on a Monday morning just to try out a new biriyani recipe. Here at least you have a valid reason. Bullshit the boss about how you believe in the sanctity of voting, blah, blah. Go to the beach, get drunk or just go home and catch a few hours of sleep or try to act like a bonobo monkey. "Every minute is precious for IT professionals!" Hoo boy, now that was a nice try, wasn't it?

Regarding elections, there is a third group about which I didn't mention earlier, because they won't be ruling Kerala. Not in the near future. The demographics won't allow that. They might win a few seats in the border regions where there are more Kannadigas and Tamils than there are mallus. The large Christian and Muslim population in the heartland along with a strong leftist base means that they don't stand a chance. The RSS chief Sudarshan had come up with a solution to such issues. He has asked Hindus to have up to 17 kids. Hmm, Let's suppose this plan is implemented with immediate effect and a majority of Hindus (who'd have to be won over to their party to begin with) in Kerala start breeding like rabbits over the next 20 years. Even then, I feel it's going to take about 30 to 35 years (those kids will have to grow up) for them to achieve a strategic majority to win power. Also, remember these guys are still obsessed with the temple, not realizing that the country had moved on to other things like Chinese-made toys and stuff. The other day they said they will enact a law to enable the construction of a Ram temple in Ayodhya if they get a full majority at the Centre in the next Lok Sabha elections. Anyone looking at India knows how urgent, important and necessary such a law is. Especially with all the other stuff having been taken care of such as laws for giving primary education and basic health care to all Indians... I wish them luck.

P.S.: This is going to be the last (fresh) brant from me (for the time being). There is so much crap a man can dish out and I think I have almost exhausted my quota. And being May Day, my grey cells have revolted against their exploitation for the enjoyment of a few hundred people. So, thanks for suffering through this over the past 11 months. I'll try to recycle some old, as yet unused, stuff for the next couple of times and in the meantime see if I can recharge enough to brant again. Otherwise, it's going to be just the Quote/Thought for the fortnight, which I promise to update for at least another year. Any time you feel like a quote that is non-inspirational and non-motivational, come here. Especially, on days when you feel inordinately "genki bari bari" (Japanese for "in high spirits") and need to sober up a bit, come and read the quote for the fortnight. As the new saying (by G. Carlin) goes, "inside every silver lining there's a dark cloud".

comments to comments@thekkuvadakku.com