Demo-crazy in Trivandrum...

Couple of weeks in Japan and I had time to collect my thoughts together and reflect a bit more about my stay in Trivandrum. What was most striking about the stay was the number of strikes, demonstrations, protests, and other such events happening there every day. Trivandrum probably has a rightful claim to a Guinness book entry for the city with the maximum number of days in a year, 365 to be exact, with protests on its streets. The demo-craziest place in the world! Only competitions I can see are places in France, which have become fun places recently. Still, they have a lot of catching up to do. Every time I ventured out into the main street, I ended up seeing some group or other protesting for something. Government employees, tsunami victims, victims of government tsunami aid, students, people with syphilis, you name a group with real or imaginary problems, we have it. All fighting for their rights. At other times, it was the various political parties with their marches. Some of these ended up screwing up my plans for the day, but I was never really troubled by these inconveniences, revealing my mallu-ness. We've become conditioned to accept these as natural occurrences, like the monsoon. The right of the mallu to be docile.

Talking about rights, I remembered another inalienable right of the mallu - to take a leak by street sides. Incidentally, I tried this successfully in Tokyo more than a decade ago (1994) after a drinking session. Some of you out there must be thinking that it's guys like me who're spoiling the name of Indians, in general, and mallus, in particular. Don't worry. Relax your tightened sphincters. This is not exactly a new thing in Japan. There're many Japanese (mainly taxi drivers) who indulge in this pleasure activity. Believe me. I personally have witnessed a few guys, and an ex-colleague said that he once saw a guy relieving himself near my ex-office, which is near the imperial palace. Imagine that! Watering the imperial gardens. Even I would think twice before doing that. Anyway, I'd like India to lobby the U.N. to make this a fundamental right for the human race as a whole. The U.N. charter of human rights for roadside wee-wee. I'm sure Bush will support at least this one. Another issue that could be used for waging war. "What? Iranians are not allowed to take leaks on streets? Those evil rogues. Rummy, we're going in tomorrow."

Well, coming back to Trivandrum life. While I did mention the docile mallu earlier, I believe there're times when the mallu would and should react. Some survival tips (applicable anywhere in India with minor adjustments), especially for returning mallus.

Ignore (and don't believe) the government (or the opposition) propaganda about anything. This is already in-built in most people, but there is no harm in reiterating it.

Try to make friends with people in power, people who can get things done for you. If you can't make friends, buy their friendship. Use some of the loot you made as an expat.

Brush up your language skills related to (what is known in local parlance as) "indas and ittas". This is indispensable. You have to know this, especially when driving and manoeuvring around auto-rickshaws etc. I know there are some guys who grew up without imbibing such niceties. Well, learn it! There must be some e-learning courses available on the www thingy. (Remember to roll down the car window when shouting "pa**i, **** mone" at that rickshaw guy.)

And, I almost forgot, don't build a house. Buy land if you want to, but don't build anything. Stay put wherever you are, whether it is your in-law's home, rented property, friend's outhouse or ancestral cattle-shed. Doesn't matter. Peace of mind, guys, peace of mind! Also, hold on to those big wooden and cardboard boxes in which you shipped your stuff. Will come in handy during inclement weather. Ask the Shinjuku homeless.

Finally, one more thing regarding demo-crazy in Trivandrum. An American friend who visited was fascinated by the many protests he saw there. This ought to be marketed as an attraction for tourists visiting Kerala.

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