English, as everyone knows, is the current international lingua franca for everything from business to illegal cricket betting, and the knowledge of this language supposedly gives you a competitive edge. When you read about the many Indians with this edge you feel happy. The “many” here is however a very misleading term. The number of Indians with a reasonable working knowledge of English is probably less than 5%, but given the sheer size of the population, even this 5%, when seen in figures appear to be very large.

Japan, on the other hand, is not a place known for its English language proficiency and the Japanese often envy those who can speak English (American, rather). When someone tells me about this envy, I tell the person that though people like me know English to a certain extent, it’s certainly nothing to be proud of and is just a small (positive) leftover of an otherwise brutal colonial subjugation. And then of course there is the accent and the grammar and the words peculiar to India, which has been parodied to death by many (most famously by Peter Sellers and his “Birdie Num-Num” routine).

Japan doesn’t have any pretensions of being English-savvy, but at the same time a lot of English and other foreign language words are used on a daily basis. While I don’t see any reason to make fun of these attempts, they are definitely a source of fun for many native English speakers and also for others who know a bit of English. There are many books and lists available of the funny English used in lifts and hotels or T-shirts etc. in different countries around the world including Japan. I just thought I’d add my 2-paisas worth on Japlish.

Before going into Japlish, I think it’s time for an “armplate”, which in case you don’t know is an omelette (or omelet, in American) at a street side vendor in Trivandrum. There are places where you can eat the same egg dish but call it a “hamlet” according to a friend in Bangalore. In Japan it is an omerettho. “R” and “L” is pronounced the same in Japanese and consequently many Engrish words get mangled. You could go into a shop and see “flesh vegetables and meat” being sold side by side with soft drinks named “Pocari sweat” and “Calpis” (pronounced caru piss) and milk powder called “Creap”.　Creepy, isn’t it? Then there are the numerous pop songs with English in it. “Body feels exit” is my favourite. There are also the translated jingles and catchwords that in some cases even appear a bit poetic. Some examples from the wrapping at the bakery where I go for breads and cakes:

“Let’s master a wrapping material – Unexpected nature cannot be overlooked in the joy which gets a present, either. Although, an unexpected present is also glad, if it has carried out wrapping anticipation cannot do contents, either, a hope will also increase further.”
It sure did raise my hopes
“Consideration of an in Acknowledgement – In case the visitor from a foreign country is met, the most smart method sends fruit and a flower to the hotel which stays.”

These could be perceived as some clumsy attempts by small-time shop owners using stupid translation tools to appear global and help the small foreign clientele they get. They surely help in generating smiles on those foreign faces. One place, however, that surprised me was Yomiuri Land. This is an amusement park run by the Yomiuri newspaper group, the owners of the largest selling newspaper in the world. They even have an English language paper. So, logically thinking, there must be many people within that organization with a good understanding of English.
To reach this park, one has to take a short cable car ride from the railway station near the park. The following are the contents of a sticker inside the gondola advising how to react during emergencies.

The wish of the emergency!
1. Wait quietly as it is when a gondola stops. Follow the direction as an attendant makes contact.
2. Let an attendant know with transceiver when an emergency occurs in the gondola. Turn on the emergency lamp switch.
3. Don't use a transceiver and an emergency lamp switch except for the emergency.

Who knows, a few years from now Japlish may become a recognized variation of the English language, just like how “chuddy” is now considered a proper (maybe not) English word by Oxford English Dictionary. Did the khaki-chuddy-wallahs have anything to do with it? They seem to have the power to do anything, like making a party president in India resign one day and then making him withdraw the resignation a few days later, without ever coming to the front stage. The wish of my emergency. My body feels exit!