It's been a while since I rambled about anything. Not that I was content and therefore didn't have anything to snipe at. It was just that I was busy, as my employer decided to extract work out of me. Sacrilege, especially considering that I have to live up to the Mallu work ethic (maybe Indian, even), built on years of left wing propaganda, of not doing anything constructive other than sitting around airing grievances.
Anyways, the list of peeves has grown quite big and I think it's time to start airing them.
The beef ban beef. This is top priority for me, like it is for the Indian
government, and needs the immediate attention of our 'venerable' Parliament.
(Why is it venerable? Also, you hear a lot about the 'sacred' constitution.
Why is it sacred? No one knows. For me it looks like some big wheeling-dealing
is afoot with these stupid qualifiers. Will need to look into that later).
Anyway, these guys want to ban beef, for the ostentatious reason of 'prevention
of cruelty to animals'. Now, let me be serious here. I love my beef and
that shows in my cholesterol, my uric acid level and my fabulous tiers
of flab. My doc has been asking me to cut down on meat. So, this law, if
enacted, is going to be good for my health and I'm all for it. Pure and
simple vested interest. But, why only beef? Why not chicken or mutton?
Is it because they are from some lower rung in the animal pecking order
and hence doesn't deserve much compassion? Lots of unanswered questions.
Unfortunately, I don't have the answers, unlike Rumsfeld who has all the
questions as well as answers. 'Is Saddam a bad dude?' 'Yes'. 'Did we kick
his butt'? 'Yes'. 'Do we care that he didn't have any WMDs'? 'No'. 'Are
we ruling the world here?' 'Friggin Yes'.etc.
Coming back to beef. Suppose, if they do manage to ban cow slaughter, I hope these guys would also have the good sense to ban and stop wearing those leather belts, shoes and jackets. They should also ban plastic bags, which is what the cows are using nowadays to suicide because they couldn't stand all this compassion flowing from our leaders. (A Delhi cow has approximately 300 plastic bags in its tummy, BBC says). Also, we mustn't limit our compassion of cows to India alone. The love should be spread around the world. Look at all those cows being slaughtered around the world. We have to stop that, even if it means the use of force and slaughter of a few million people. Time for World War III! Pre-emption is the word. Holy cow! I'll remind myself to go and get a last bite of Kobe beef and some Brazilian churrasco before all this happens.
After declaring our compassion for cows, we should have gone on to declare our compassion for human beings. Now, that's tricky, isn't it? After all, as Indians, we just showed our compassion for a couple of thousand of our country men in Gujarat and it didn't work out the way we wanted, what with the Supreme Court and all. It's an interesting number. There were less than 20 hate killings of Muslim looking people in the US after the death of 2000 odd people. We had it in reverse. For about 60, we murdered 2000 (ok, I'm not forgetting that the US is out there killing off thousands in Afghanistan and Iraq). Remember what happened to the Sikhs after Indira Gandhi's assassination. A few thousands were dead then also at the hands of the disciples of the apostle of non-violence. A few more compassionate acts like these and we'll be there amongst the developed nations of the world, with our trishuls and nukes and all. Our leaders have finally understood that development is built on genocide, looting and some slave labour.
Being a minority, I know I'm also a target for getting cleansed, but 800 million people in a democracy cannot be wrong, can they? If by some magic, the 200 million minorities are gone one day, there still remains the problem with the 500 to 600 million hungry masses who are a blight on our cities with their slums and filthy life styles. Though we started implementing the trickle-down economic theory, some of them might get ideas of questioning that. Hey, why is it trickling down? Why can't it gush down, eh? Definitely not a good scenario. If the magic cleansing doesn't work the second time around, the only solution, I think, would be to bring those compassionate missionaries in again. They can give a few hundred dollars to each person to change their name to Mary or John. The re-conversion dudes (who are also $ rich nowadays) can then pay them few more buck$ to change back to Muniyandi or whatever. Only glitch that I foresee will be in determining where to convert them back to. Do they go back to the same wretched slot or do they get to move up a couple of rungs? A good move would be to allow them to go back and forth with the name changing while moving them up one step each time. Each time they'll be richer by a few dollars. The money is coming in from abroad and can be counted as FDI (foreign direct investment), increasing our rating with S&P, Moodys et al. Remember, these are part of the same gang who said that India is losing FDI because of the bad impression created by the delays in letting Enron have it's way. No sh*t! Some real quotes (unlike the earlier Rumsfeld quotes that I made up) before the Enron bankruptcy fiasco.
Ms. Rocca of US Govt.: 'The on-going dispute (between Enron and Indian govt.) casts a dark cloud over India's entire investment climate'
Mr. Ken Lay: (was Bushie’s big time donor and then main political advisor before the scam came out) threatening sanctions on India -Imagine that. A company CEO who was running a scam on his own countrymen as well as some 3rd world blokes had the gall to threaten a nation of a billion: 'There are U.S. laws that could prevent the U.S. government from providing any aid or assistance or other things to India going forward if, in fact, they expropriate property of U.S.companies'.
I'm digressing. Let's get back to our big project. OK, once all the population reaches the highest rank we can stop the NCRU (name change rank up) project and also get rid of the foreign compassionates. As we become a homogeneous, classless, casteless utopia we can start improving our economy by increasing public works spending, which is what Japan has been doing for 50 years now. In our case, instead of concreting rivers and the country in general and building unnecessary expressways like Japan, it's all going to be temple construction work. Let me do a Rumsfeld here. 'Am I ready for some high power political committee (bhaitak is the in-word now) or what?' 'Of course I am'.
P.S. We still have the colour issue. How to get the unwashed masses to get the "wheatish", if not "fair", complexion? Need some fair and lovely FD investments there.